I wrote this song years after I was sexually abused. It took many years before I could say anything. I was frozen in shock – you can read my essay From Frozen to Free here. The first few lines speak of that paralyzed feeling:
“Running running running, I’ll run so fast you’ll never see me,
And I’ll be gone before you know it, I won’t be there.”
I was in denial. I didn’t want to think that someone I trusted so much could ever do that to me. Then I found a book that changed my life:
You can read how that book helped me in my essay Healing From Numbness. If something has happened to you, something which you feel you cannot speak about yet, I urge you, please find this book. It saved me. This is a bit more from my song:
“None of this is happening, I didn’t waste my life away
I wasn’t hurt by those I loved, I didn’t wipe my tears today
I didn’t wake to see my world had shattered right in front of me
He didn’t kick piece the pieces round, and seize them back so hastily”
I often dreamed of confrontation:
“If I was to meet him now, I’d surely see myself in him
And cry for what he took from me – He made my eyes become so dim.
Better to forget him now and concentrate on what I can
Remember that the spark in me was never in the man.”
It took many years to accept and acknowledge to myself that I was sexually abused. I started to chip away at memories subconsciously through my paintings.
Then, through my voice – this was a powerful way to reclaim my “voice” after being so betrayed. This was a song I wrote as I started to tiptoe back into those memories. The “running away” refers to my reluctancy to think about what had happened – but it’s impossible to heal and recover your SELF when you’re numb. Unfortunately, YOU need to be there for you to heal -but that is the challenge, and ultimately, the gift.
Give my song a listen – I’ve written quite a few songs over the years, mostly for me. Music is extremely therapeutic to write, sing, dance to listen to…what songs make you really feel?
Music is a wonderful gift – just like painting, music can express things that are not so easy to speak. They can take us to a deep, poignant, melancholy place…
A simple metaphor can speak volumes about our physical and emotional state. “Ship In A Bottle” is a song by Amanda McBroom that expressed the state of my body post-surgery.
They can express the most wonderful feeling in the world…
When I chose my first dance with my husband, it was difficult to sum up everything I felt in one song – what would your first dance with YOURSELF be in your marriage to you?
They can express the vitality we feel. David Friedman wrote this song – Still Alive – for me for the TODAY show.
They can simply leave us feeling inspired and light-like – this is one of my favorite songs by Indie Arie
Take Arie’s lyrics to heart:
I am light, I am light
I am not the things my family did
I am not the voices in my head
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside
I’m not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain
I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind
I am light, I am light
Take Ms. Arie’s lyrics to heart. You are NOT your circumstances. YOu are not your abuse, your weight, your age, your paycheck, your fear. But you are your gratitude, because being grateful means you acknowledge something as part of your vitality.
So be grateful, be vital, and be the music that resonates with you.
That is what music is here for. To help us fully realize our aliveness.
I have more to write about my abuse, more songs to share, more to write, some for here, some for myself. I am not fully healed and I don’t know if we ever do fully heal as mortal beings on this earth. I think we are always a work in progress. But that’s a great thing. It means there is always more to discover, to inspire and to create.
Where is the light in you that needs to be expressed today? Take care of it. It is your light.
Psstttt…some more top secret art tips and quirky things in my newsletter so…
Start the conversation: Learn about Gutless & Grateful for Sexual Violence Awareness & Prevention.