Last month, I officially tied the knot. As I look back on my wedding photos, I just can’t believe it’s already happened.
I can see the joy in my eyes, the love beaming off of my husband’s bright red face and my gown that was big enough to cover a small army.
I had stressed about feeling beautiful, or just feeling comfortable in my own skin, as I went through gown after gown. I cried after I thought I’d never last a second in that tight, beaded bodice without something going wrong.
I wished I had chosen December as my wedding month, just so I would have an excuse to bury myself in a huge, furry, winter-white cape.
I didn’t share the same worries my married friends had about fitting into their wedding gowns. I felt like no one could relate to me.
It wasn’t just me who would be squeezing into my wedding gown on that magical day; I would be accompanied by not one, but two, ostomy bags.
Running to the bathroom for any bride is a chore. It takes a very devoted bridesmaid to accompany the belle of the ball, and she has to hold up her dress in the daintiest fashion.
But, I was so self-conscious about my medical situation, I didn’t want anyone’s assistance.
I was petrified my gown might drop in the toilet, or I wouldn’t be able to get to a bathroom in time. I was also worried my medical appliances wouldn’t fit into my dress the proper way.
As a bride, I longed to feel beautiful and feminine, or a life-size Barbie Doll complete with voluptuous, womanly curves.
I felt the pressure to fit into the gowns I saw as I flipped through bridal magazines. Every photograph I looked at seemed to promote skin-tight satin and buttoned-up bodices.
How would a backless gown look with a colossal surgical scar running down my back?
How could I wear 6-inch stilettos after going through severe neuropathy, which I experienced after being left on my right side for six months while I laid in a bed, comatose?
The more magazines I browsed, the worse I felt.
My self-contempt pushed me to the point where I started to believe the man I was marrying was annoyed with me.
After I realized the love of my life — the man who thinks I’m the sexiest when I wake up in the morning, and my hair is frizzier than a giant pom-pom — is marrying me for me, my mindset shifted.
All the people celebrating with me on my wedding day were going to be there to cheer on me and my husband. They love who we are, and they love who we are together.
Brandon is already mine; he told me he fell in love with me the day he met me. Who was I trying to impress? What was I trying to prove?
I realized I had this need to prove to myself that despite my medical circumstances, I could feel “normal.” But, really, what is normal?
Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and circumstances, and it’s something all women deserve. And I was not going to let myself get in the way of my own happiness on my wedding day.
We may have good intentions, but as strong, passionate and beautiful women, we pressure ourselves every day. Once we tune out those internal voices, we discover a beautiful truth.
The people that matter in our lives are the people who love us for who we are.
The only expectations we need to put on ourselves are the expectations to always listen to our hearts (and our mothers).
As for my wedding dress, I had this fantasy of a tight-fitting bodice with an enormous, fairytale ballgown. I basically wanted to look like a giant wedding cake.
I had to have my dress fitted in a way that would give me some kind of figure, but with enough give for my ostomy bags, which expanded whenever I ate.
After a snide comment from a bridesmaid that I could “always just not eat that day,” a brief pity-party and a little me-time, I told myself the dress would look as beautiful as I felt in it.
And so, with my medical situation in mind, the dressmaker and I were able to meet in the middle.
My dress was not “skin-tight,” but it fit me in all the right places and embraced the medical bags that saved my life years ago.
Looking back on my wedding day, I cry when I see myself floating across the dance floor in that giant cake of a dress.
I look beautiful, happy and in love. And that’s because I was, and I still am.
And you were a most beautiful bride my love (and I like the part, “listen to your mother.”
I would love to see a picture!
Yes, I promise a post is coming soon with photos! Just gotta meet with the photographer this week!!!
Hi! Thank you SO much for posting this on the Facebook page! I have the internal pouch but I used to have the external and I never felt beautiful. The threat is running close for me but I really felt you when you talked about your husband. I’m getting married as well. I get embarrassed about the way my tummy works, scars, odd bubbly looking belly from surgeries and scar tissue but my fiancé tells me that I’m the most beautiful girl on the planet. God bless you, your strength is amazing and thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much – it was not easy for me to write but it’s actually wonderful to know I’m not alone!
Amy, I’m becoming your biggest fan. I love your courage and the way you turn your hardships into inspiration for others. You go, girl! Stay strong and keep doing exactly what you are doing. Big Love, Reba
You looked beautiful, and the dress looked stunning. But more importantly that that you both looked very happy x
Loved you’re story , the only thing is is I was I was waiting for some kind of disaster. BUT DIDNT HEAR A SINGLE ON. I love it even more , I’d oh so love to see some pics of the front, back, and each sides…. PLEASE OH PLEASE LET ME SEE HOW GORGEOUS YOU LOOKED AND ARE INSIDE AND OUT. LET US ALL SEE, IT WOULD HELP SO MANY OF US WHO HAVENT BEEN MARRIED YET. EVEN THOUGH IM ONLY 47, and just left a 12 year relationship . I still have some hope of of being married someday…PLEASE JUST LET UST LET US ALL SEE HOW GORGEOUS YOU LOOKED…. IVE HAD 100 operations and it would really help me in the biggest way…so happy for you ill be waitingiq to see the pics ive asjpked you to to see and more if youre willing to share …. a life if if love and hapiness i wish for you and you new husband, something ive ive wanted my entire life, still dream od a wedding with two brothers and two in the other side. even thought my father is still live.. my brothers woukd be morefitting than my father..
Thanks so much for writing! Okay, okay, I promise a post is coming with some wedding photos! I’m meeting with the photographer this week, so expect something soon! I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much, but keep your head up and I wish you all the best xoxo
Dying to see a photo. A wedding dress is so special for every woman. Something you will always cherish.
Coming, I promise!!!
This is so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I’m sure it was not easy, but it is truly wonderful. Stay strong!
This is a lovely story. Thanks for sharing such a personal situation.
Sarah Noel | http://www.sarahsmirks.com
Thank you for sharing. This is beautifully written. I can’t wait to see your gorgeous wedding pictures!
Beautiful post! Would LOVE to see the photos! God bless you and your “new” husband; may you have MANY MANY years together!!
Thank you! Photos are coming soon in a post, I promise!
Thanks so much for sharing. So any of us carry physical and psychological scars, comparing our insides to others outsides. Talked with someone yesterday about how we all have our life experiences and as a result of that they brought us to where we are.
You have such courage to share your experience and emotions. In doing so, you encouraged others to do the same.
Wow I loved reading this post and your article as well! What beautiful words and a beautiful bride to go along with them! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I too would love to see a picture! Very beautiful post! Thank you for sharing and linking up with #Alittlebitofeverything! Have a great day!
Hi, good to meet you. I understand about medical situations. I have an incurable connective tissue disease, Ehlers Danlos, and other’s concerns may not be the same as one with a medical condition. I am glad you were able to savor the day and marry the man who loves you and you love. Thank you for sharing
hanks for linking up with Turning Heads Tuesday!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
Thanks for sharing with us at #JoyHopeLive!